can i just say that i am nauseated to hear of couples buying a puppy together. at this age. i'm not even mad at the ones who are married, because they're obviously insane. but being all cutesy and buying a puppy, and taking it to puppy training together no less.
he was always so serious. i knew this idea was stupid but i didn't know in what way...

well now i'm just counting down the days until my sister drives me back up to school. i better make sure i'm working out the whole time.

this is the price you pay for loss of control/this is the break in the bend/this is the closest of calls

it's a mistake. probably. i looked at some old photos of him (not when i knew him, more recent than that) and i just feel like seeing him will be a mistake. we only spent a little over a month together that summer, and then kept in regular contact for about 5 months after that. since january 2005 it's like he didn't exist. so i don't know. this is stupid.
i can't think very straight right now so i'll just try again later.

i am em-barrassed.

so i sent him this brief e-mail, saying i had been thinking about contacting him, that i didn't mean for my phone message to sound like i wanted a date, etc. and i ended it on some sappy note about hoping he was happy. gag.
i sent it yesterday in the mid afternoon, and he didn't respond and i sort of got the feeling that he wasn't going to, since he hadn't called me back...so today i was hanging out with that girl friend of mine mentioned in earlier posts, who was friends with him as well, and i told her that i decided to call him and he hadn't responded. so she says "should i call him and see if he wants to come out tonight?" (we were on our way to dinner) and i said that i didn't care, she could call if she wanted. i was hoping since he hadn't picked up for me, he wouldn't pick up for her either.
but he did. and when he did, she handed the phone right to me. agh!!
she was talking to me while i stumbled through introducing myself. (he could tell her it wasn't her...he must have her number in his phone) and i said it was me...there was just awkward silence. i mean, we'd done the 7th grade thing when your friend calls the guy you like and then forces you to talk. that wasn't what we'd discussed but i wasn't mad at her for it.
i at first suggested (at my friend's prompting) that we meet that evening, but he was busy. then he said "but i do want to see you guys" and then we went back and forth for a minute, trying to decide on a date that the three of us could get together. he'd suggest something, go back on it, and then pick something else. finally we decided on sunday.
it was just awful. because i had just sent that e-mail, so now i looked desperate, and weird. seemed like we'd had some sort of plan, my friend and i so that i could talk to him.
and it's not even what i wanted! i wanted to talk to him about some stuff that was bothering me personally and there's no way that will happen with her there. i guess i really can't predict what the dynamic will be, but i don't think it's going to be favorable. there's the chance he'll bring his new girlfriend too, and i don't even have to say how awkward that scenario would be.
at least i don't really have anything invested in this. but man it really took me back to those days of talking to him on the phone while he was at school and just getting the feeling he didn't really want to be talking to me. through the first half of the phonecall i was trying to decide if his voice sounded different. bluh.
this whole thing probably was a mistake, but i suppose if one part of me thought it was worth pursuing then it's better to have it out. i really do just want to be clear of all this thinking about him nonsense. i feel a little better today, after talking to him and getting the sense that seeing me was the last thing he wanted. but why though, really?
i guess that's why i didn't stop my friend from calling him. and at the end of the conversation i told him that whenever he had free time on sunday to call one of us, probably my friend since he had her number or should i give him mine? no, he said, mine was saved on his voicemail.
so he HAD received the message!! oh i was so embarrassed. plus this e-mail i sent him, oh lord. it had my phone number in it too. man i felt awkward. and i still too. i could not have played it any less cool with this. i just have to keep reminding myself that the worse that could happen is that i never talk to him again, or that this meeting we have on sunday (if it takes place) will just be dreadfully awkward. i am not looking forward to it though. i'm just comforting myself with the knowledge that there's a good chance it won't even happen. really though, i don't think it could be worse. oh well. i'll learn something from all this either way. i just hope i get the chance to talk to him one on one (without resorting to any more pathetic e-mails. i deleted the one i sent him from my sent box though. i wish i could unsend.)